


Cellmates

by reaperlight



Category: Death Note
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Humor, Beauty and the Beast Elements, Bondage, Canon-Typical Violence, Eventual Happy Ending, Fandom Allusions & Cliches & References, Fluff and Angst, Foe Yay, Hurt/Comfort, Imprisonment, Isolation, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Pet Peeve Tropes, Prison Sex, Psychological Torture, Psychological Trauma, Redemption, Rule 36 Not Valid, Singing, Stockholm Syndrome, Suicidal Thoughts, The 50 Day Confinement, Yotsuba Arc, darkish, reality ensues, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-28
Updated: 2015-03-28
Packaged: 2018-03-19 21:16:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3624543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reaperlight/pseuds/reaperlight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fifty days is a long time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cellmates

**Author's Note:**

> _Prison gates won't open up for me_  
>  _On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'_  
>  _Oh, I reach for you_  
>  _Well I'm terrified of these four walls_  
>  _These iron bars can't hold my soul in_  
>  _All I need is you_  
>  _Come please I'm callin'_  
>  _And all I scream for you_  
>  _Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'_  
>  \-- "Saving Me," Nickelback

It had only been a week and he was already losing his mind. 

Light had not truly anticipated the monotony, the absolutely mind-numbing boredom, after L left him tied up, bound hand and foot so that he couldn’t even move other than to flip between varying uncomfortable positions—if he lay on his back the handcuffs bit into his back, if he lay on his stomach his chest compressed and it became difficult to breath, and laying on either side became uncomfortable after laying there for so long on the concrete floor of his cell—or on the equally concrete mattress for that matter. Of course L’s objective in life wasn’t to make Light comfortable but it wouldn’t have _killed_ him to give him a magazine or something… Of course there was a perfectly valid reason why he didn’t—L probably thought he’d use it to kill people or something. (Of course he _wouldn’t have_ , Light knew that because that was totally not _The Plan,_ so L had nothing to worry about in that regard but Light couldn’t exactly _tell him_ that.) And then of course there was L, the main bastard himself, and the resultant constant buzzing of that grating voice in his head—always _“Kira, Kira, Kira.”_ It was beginning to get to the point that Light wasn’t really sure where his thoughts truly ended and L began. Perhaps that was L’s plan all along. If not for Ryuk’s constant presence keeping him grounded Light was sure he would have gone insane already. 

In any other context Light would have probably found the whole situation completely embarrassing but right now he took comfort where he could. It started after that first, particularly rough night and trying to get comfortable sleeping on concrete and in the end Light found he had somehow ended up _snuggling_ into his Shinigami’s side—his unconscious body apparently finding Ryuk to be a far more comfortable pillow than anything L had so graciously provided him. 

Ryuk didn’t say a word about it but he was refreshingly quiet that day and didn’t start up with his whining for apples until much later. L didn’t say anything either so it must have not looked that odd when he slept on his side—or if it did he had yet to mention it. 

It was around the third time it happened that Light awoke briefly to the feeling of Ryuk’s claws gently stroking through his hair. Light didn’t say anything—he couldn’t really without L knowing about it—but he did allow himself to relax into the feeling of Ryuk’s touch. It did feel oddly nice, especially given it the only physical contact he’d had with anyone in these last few days were the occasional rough encounters with his jailers. Light’s body unconsciously pressed closer to his companion and his eyes fluttered closed once more. 

****

His world shrunk down to racing thoughts and physical pains. It hurt to even breathe. He tried to escape it by sleeping most of the time but falling asleep proved elusive between the pain, and blaring lights, and the frequent buzzing of L’s voice. Ryuk was the only thing that could help him relax. As the days drifted by he came to crave his Shinigami’s touch. 

***

Ryuk spoke fondly of things on the outside—of apples and wrestling matches and Mario Golf. Of the places they’d been and the movies they had watched together. Light found himself wishing he had taken Ryuk more places—he realized that Ryuk’s tour of the human world had been rather limited. That had to be awfully boring for his Shinigami. 

***

Sometimes he’d just stare at him. Ryuk was the only interesting thing in this godforsaken place. Or at least far more interesting than the featureless, lime green walls. Ryuk was firmly imprinted into his memory—Light had memorized every spike of hair, every feather, every crease and wrinkle in the Shinigami’s leather tunic. How could he not when Ryuk’s face was often the first thing he saw when he woke and the last thing he saw when he fell asleep? He was sure Ryuk was the only thing keeping him sane while he was locked up in here. Whatever would he do if that memory was to disappear? One night when drifting off to the soothing feeling of Ryuk’s claws in his hair Light remembered that little detail about his Plan and that night Light slept even more fitfully than usual.

***

“How are you doing in there, Light-kun? It’s been a week. I know it can’t be easy.” 

A week. 

Had it really? 

It was difficult to keep track of time in here. There were no clocks and no windows and the days (or was it nights?) bled into each other until he had no objective sense of time—it was like he existed on a plane outside of time and space where it was just him, his Shinigami and L’s buzzing voice: _Kira, Kira, Kira._

Light was aware that if it truly had been a week… now would be an opportune time to give up the notebook. It was what they agreed on. He’d forfeit his memories after about a week so that Ryuk could go home to the Shinigami Realm and wouldn’t have to be stuck in there with him. 

But… 

_But…_

**“You know Light, as boring as it is here I think it would be worse to watch it all from the Shinigami Realm. If you want I wouldn’t mind staying here with you.”**

Well that clinched it. Light found he wasn’t inclined to give up the only comfort and tie to sanity he had left. 

“Light?” L prompted. 

“No, Ryuuzaki, everything is fine,” Light said, smiling. 

There was an awkward pause on L’s end as the detective was no doubt parsing his every word for hidden messages.

_“Fine?”_

Perhaps that was a poor choice of words. He no doubt looked like a wreck.

“Fine,” Light insisted as he relaxed into his Shinigami's touch.

***

It wouldn’t change his plans too much. He’d just have to be more careful about what he said to L in the future. But at this rate could he really trust himself not to slip up and reveal himself? Perhaps it would be for the best if he just stopped talking altogether. Maybe if the police thought he was losing it they would be more inclined to excuse his actions… or lack thereof. He knew he looked pretty bad in here—he could probably pull it off. 

***

“Are you ready to admit you’re Kira?” 

It had been two weeks and L claimed that no new deaths had occurred but Light knew Rem should have found someone to continue the killings by now. Light felt a pang of doubt. Could it really be that there were no new deaths? No. That couldn’t be—Rem would not fail them—she cared about Misa too much. Which meant that L was lying to him—yes, Light had no doubt that L would stoop to that just to try and get a confession. 

Well, that was not going to happen. 

“Are you ready to confess?” L pressed on, mercilessly.

Light finally broke his silence. “I’m not Kira. I’m _still_ not Kira. I will not be Kira no matter how many times you ask. _Fuck off,_ ” Light snarled and rolled over, accidentally cuddling up against his Shinigami’s chest but Light found he wasn’t inclined to move. Ryuk didn’t seem to mind if that large taloned hand rubbing little circles in his back was any indication. 

Wordlessly they made a habit of it.

***

As time drifted by Light had learned to tune out the buzzing of L’s voice, becoming completely unresponsive to L’s taunts lest the feelings of impotent rage drive him mad. Sometimes when Light was feeling especially tense or stressed Ryuk would gently rub his back and hum some slow and plaintive melody. Light found the long, trilling notes to be quite soothing along with the fact that it was something else he could focus on other than L’s psychological torture. 

_Hmmmmmm hmmmmm hmmmm hmm hmm hmm hm hmmmm…_

“Light-kun, what song is that?” 

_Hmmmmmm hmmmmm hmmmm hmm hmm hmm hm hmmmm…_

“What are you humming?” 

_Hmmmmmm hmmmmm hmmmm hmm hmm hmm hm hmmmm…_

“Light-kun, what are you humming?” 

Light blinked in confusion. “Huh?”

“What are you humming, Light-kun?”

That’s when Light discovered that without even realizing it he’d taken to humming Ryuk’s song himself aloud.

Light shrugged weakly, a feeble gesture felt in his numb shoulders and bound hands. “I don’t know, Ryuuzaki,” Light croaked from his parched throat (he didn’t dare ask when the next serving time of water and gruel might be lest Ryuuzaki withhold it for his own amusement but allegedly for interrogation purposes.) “Just some song I once heard.” 

***

“It’s a love song.” 

“What?”

“The song you were humming—it’s an ancient Egyptian love song: _Sister! / Sister without rival / Beautiful! Most beautiful of all!”_

Light cringed as L began to butcher the melody. “Ryuuzaki…” 

_“She is like the star, Sothis, when it rises / At the beginning of a fine new year / Perfect and bright and shining is her skin…”_

Light gritted his teeth. “Stop.”

 _“And where she looks, she seduces with her eyes / Her lips are sweet when she speaks / And there is never a word too many / Slender neck and shining body…”_

_“Please…”_

_“Her hair is like true lapis / Her arms outshine the finest gold / Her fingers are like the petals of the lotus flower / Ample hips and slender waist / Her thighs extend her beauty / When she walks gracefully upon this Earth…”_

“Just stop…” Light pleaded, his face burned with embarrassment but it was becoming increasingly obvious L was delighting in this new form of torture and wasn’t going to stop.

 _“She has stolen my heart with her kisses / She has made the necks of all men turn / Turn around at the mere sight of her! / He who embraces her is a happy man! / He is the most fortunate among lovers / For he has seen her in her glory / And known her as the Goddess.”_ L finished with a flourish.

“And you wasted how many days of police resources to find that out when you should have been searching for the _real_ Kira?” Light asked pointedly. 

“Why would I need to search for the real Kira when I already have him here? In any case I am just puzzled as to where Light-kun could have possibly heard it?”

Light shrugged again, his right shoulder chaffing against the hard concrete floor. “Yuutoob, probably.” 

“It’s just an odd choice for Light-kun to be humming. Oddly… _sensual._ Is there something you wanted to tell us, Light-kun?”

Light rolled over, turning his back to the camera in an attempt to pretend that L didn’t exist. He glanced at Ryuk questioningly. 

**“Just something I heard a long time ago…”** Ryuk muttered as he unconsciously reaching out to touch him again. **“It… reminded me of you.”**

A flash of annoyance graced the young man’s features. 

**“Of course, you are my God, not my Goddess.”** Ryuk assured him in what Light perceived to be a properly respectful and reverent tone so he saw fit to forgive him his presumption and contented himself to be petted by Ryuk as had become their habit of late. It felt quite nice and it truly was the only form of entertainment either of them had while locked up in here. Feeling bold, Ryuk’s talons seeped right through the thin, scratchy prison garb L had provided for Light to make skin-to-skin contact. 

Light gasped and shivered as Ryuk rubbed little circles around his stomach. That was good. _Too_ good. Light blushed at the realization that what Ryuk was doing… it was _turning him on._ That was not good. Not good at all. _Ryuk_ was turning him on. Admittedly it should be ridiculously easy given that L had bound him hand and foot before tossing him in here. And while Light had a low libido for someone his age he hadn’t been able to take care of any male needs for the past two weeks. So it shouldn’t really come as a surprise that Ryuk touching him with such intensity was making him hard. Hell, even L probably could turn him on at that point. Maybe that was his plan all along with tying him up like this— _the pervert._ Light bit his lip and shivered slightly in pleasure as Ryuk rubbed his belly again. Well, he supposed... better Ryuk than L or one of his jailers. He didn't want to give any of them the satisfaction. Hell, all things considered Ryuk was a safer choice. Ryuk was his _roommate_ —it was nothing he hadn't seen before—though they had never been so _intimate_. 

Of course Light’s predicament hadn’t gone unnoticed by his cellmate.

Light bit his lip to avoid crying out when Ryuk gently cupped the bulge in his pants with one of his large hands. 

**“I can give you a hand here if you want? I promise to be discreet.”** Ryuk chuckled and Light felt his irritation rising as the Shinigami grinned down at him. Yes, Ryuk knew exactly what he was doing to him—the smug bastard. Light wanted to tell him off but didn’t dare given L was watching his every move. No doubt his glaring angrily into space was suspicious enough as it is. The trouble was Ryuk’s offer was tempting. _Very_ tempting. Light shivered again as Ryuk's gentle touches sent lazy sparks of pleasure through his long-neglected body and Light considered Ryuk's offer. Well, he supposed Ryuk had been a good... _companion_ to him in here and this... this was just the natural progression of things. Light sucked in a breath as Ryuk slowly pressed and pawed at his stomach again. Yes, this was acceptable... 

“Light-kun?” L prompted again when he’d remained silent for too long. It seemed L would not leave him alone until he’d answered his inane question. 

“Y-yeah…” Light acknowledged, trying to control his embarrassingly cracking voice while looking meaningfully at Ryuk “Well, I just happen to _like_ that song—no matter how sappy the translation. I find it… _pleasing_ and I'll sing it if I want. I don't want to stop.” 

Ryuk looked inordinately pleased at that. Light forced himself not to flinch when one of Ryuk’s large hands fell possessively onto his shoulder to give him an affectionate pat. Light worked to control his breathing as Ryuk kept touching him and Light found himself leaning ever so slightly into his touch.

“I’m sure Misa will be glad to hear it,” said L. 

Light actually let out a frustrated growl at the mention of Misa. That was one _hell_ of a turn off. He twisted around in order to properly glare up at the camera in irritation. “Why don’t you go sing it to her then?” 

“You’d want me to sing _that song_ to your girlfriend?” 

Light could hear Ryuuzaki's puzzlement bleeding through, even through the buzz of the voice filter. 

“She’s _not_ my girlfriend," Light grumbled, rolling away from the camera and closer to his unseen companion. "Go right ahead.” 

***

“Light-kun?” Buzzed the P.A. system. Light ignored it from his place, curled up in his corner where, unseen by the cameras, Ryuk was once again lending him a hand. Light bit his lip to keep from crying out as Ryuk’s large hand seeped right through the front of his pants to wrap around his length. Ryuk pumped him with slow, lazy jerks that sent sparks of hot pleasure all throughout his weak and tired body. Damn Shinigami—he could fucking kiss him. Ryuk’s help really had worked wonders for relieving tension and he even timed it so that he would _help_ him right before he would be taken off to the showers so he wouldn’t have to awkwardly request a change of clothes from L. Surely his jailers must have noticed the state of his clothes when they changed him but so far no one had said anything. They probably just assumed it was nocturnal emissions—not an outlandish assumption to make about a typical teenage male. Though they no doubt noticed the increase in frequency it could easily be attributed to frustration—also not an outlandish assumption given the circumstances. 

“… Oh, _Liiiiight-kun!_ Kira-Kira- _Kira~!_ ”

“I’m not Kira.” Light muttered weakly, and didn’t bother to even open his eyes. This had to be a Human Rights violation—whoever thought it was a good idea to let L have a microphone for interrogation purposes ought to be summarily executed. 

“Kira say _what?_ ” 

Really, that was just petty and _stupid._

 _It's official. L is the world's tallest ten year old._

“Huh?” Light answered instead.

He could practically _hear_ L pouting on the other end of the P.A. system. 

_“Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight-kuuuun~”_

Fuck. Was he channeling Misa now? Was it really too much to ask that he just leave him alone? Couldn’t he just give him a break for just one day?

Light slowly turned over, eyes rolling ghoulishly in their sockets to better stare up at the camera. Light bit back a whine of protest when Ryuk paused in his ministrations. While Ryuk left no trace of his presence L _did_ notice Light's reactions and had (erroneously) concluded early on that Light got off on being tied up. 

_Goddamn L. Damn him to Hell._

“Yes? What is it, Ryuuzaki?” Light asked, making sure to keep his voice polite, level, and mellow. But it must have not been quite level enough—L caught something in his voice that made him pause. 

“Am I interrupting something?” 

“Yes,” Light rolled his eyes. Can’t you see I’m busy?”

“You’re busy?” L said flatly. “How can you possibly be busy?”

“Yes, as you can see I’m quite tied up at the moment. So maybe you should come back later and we can finish this discussion.”

“I see… it only took a month in solitary confinement for you to develop a sense of humor.”

“ _Bite me,_ Ryuuzaki.” 

“Is that an invitation?” 

Light gave an exaggerated sigh. 

“If you really must know I was remembering the plots of movies in detail in my head. Now because you interrupted me I have to start over.” 

“You poor thing,” said L. He didn’t sound sorry at all. 

Light growled slightly and rolled over again—putting his back to the camera and resumed snuggling with Ryuk—his one relief and comfort. 

“What movie?”

“Hmm?” Light grunted lazily while, unseen by the cameras Ryuk’s large hands phased through Light’s clothes as if they weren’t even there to once again glide sensually over his skin. 

“What movie, Light-kun? …An adult film, perhaps?” L goaded. 

_“Tale as old as time / Tune as old as song / Bittersweet and strange / Finding you can change / Learning you were wrong / Certain as the sun / Rising in the east...”_

“What are you trying to tell us, Light-kun?” 

Light simply smirked up at the camera. Let L drive himself crazy trying to find hidden meanings. Light wasn’t talking. It might be petty revenge for the love song debacle but damned if it didn’t feel good. As did Ryuk’s hands. Light’s eyes fluttered closed as he just lost himself in the pleasant sensations of Ryuk’s touch. 

***

Ryuk sometimes spoke to fill the silence.

It turned out the Shinigami was quite a good storyteller. Ryuk weaved great tales of ancient kings riding out onto horrifying battlefields, sometimes nauseatingly detailed with the sort of details that can only be gleaned by one who was actually there. Light was amazed and slightly troubled by all Ryuk had seen. The Shinigami had many stories to tell about past Death Note owners—naturally most of the humans Ryuk had known had been Death Note owners. Well, former Death Note owners on account of them no longer being among the living and not just because of the passing of time. As Ryuk continued to talk to fill the silence Light was beginning to notice a pattern here—every human who had owned a notebook came to a rather messy end. 

Light thought he was different—surely he was smarter than they were. And it was the modern era, things were more civilized, and he had access to different resources. Things would be different… or so he had thought. But as the days passed as he languished in L’s prison Light began to wonder if perhaps it had just been his own hubris that had made him speak so assuredly when he declared he wasn’t like Ryuk’s “other humans.” Or was it merely to assure himself? He certainly didn’t want to be like Ryuk’s “other humans.” That was for sure…. 

*** 

About a week later it finally clicked. 

Light’s tortured, deluded mind finally allowing him to read between the lines of what Ryuk was trying to tell him. People had tried to change the world with the note before. 

They had all tried and they had all died. 

They had all died horrible, gruesome deaths. 

Outside these walls he had been arrogant enough to think he was different. 

Because he had escaped his (wanted, _needed_ ) punishment he had become convinced of his own invincibility but now, wasting away in L’s prison he was once again faced with the concept of his own mortality. Why keep going? What was the point if it was all undone upon his death? For the first time since he named himself ‘God’ Light considered that perhaps this wasn’t the path he wanted to be on. He’d hate to become just another re-run for Ryuk.

At the time he had _needed_ Kira to give himself a sense of purpose lest he drown in his own guilt. But now, forged by L’s trials and L’s prison he had left behind that naïve little boy long ago. He no longer felt guilt for his actions and he felt nothing towards his victims—given who his targets were he couldn’t really regret what he had done—either the worst criminals or people trying to hurt him. He could even acknowledge the hypocrisy—in any other scenario he would find cop killing to be a most heinous crime. They didn’t deserve it. They were just doing their jobs but he couldn’t change the past and wallowing in guilt wasn’t going to bring them back from the dead. If he was being completely honest with himself, the only thing he really regretted was what he’d put his father through. He’d worked tirelessly putting so much pain and effort into catching him… 

_Well,_ Light thought bitterly, _it finally got his attention, didn’t it? Even if it didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to._

He’d screwed up. He’d screwed up big time. _He_ was screwed up big time. For the first time Light let himself acknowledge that. 

Light was only dimly aware of Ryuk asking him if he was alright and of L’s shouting over the speakers as he lay on the floor, gasping for breath as it felt like his chest was being crushed beneath an enormous weight and Light wondered if this was what a heart attack felt like.

L would later inform him he had suffered from a major panic attack. 

***

The taskforce seemed to be under the mistaken impression that he was going insane in his cell. They couldn’t have been more wrong—his thoughts hadn’t been this clear in a long time as he sat and listened to Ryuk’s stories and slowly began ripping apart his delusions of Godhood every time they tried to come creeping back. Of course the fact that he would seemingly, _routinely,_ smile and stare at his companion who no one else could see probably did nothing to rectify their perceptions regarding his sanity or lack thereof. 

It was an ongoing process, deprogramming himself. Acknowledging he had a problem was only just the beginning of course. As much as it hurt his pride to realize it, Light knew he needed help—more than his Shinigami (well-meaning but ultimately ignorant in these matters) could provide him. Light would like to say he’d cured whatever flaw in his brain chemistry made him… _this way_ through sheer willpower but he’d come to realize he could lie to _himself_ quite easily. No, it was time to take responsibility for once in his life. 

It was ironic, really—he had thought he was trying to take responsibility for the whole world when all he was really doing was running away from the fact that he was a murderer. When he got out of here… _if_ Ryuuzaki ever let him out of here… 

He’d check himself into a mental hospital. 

Given the circumstances it wouldn’t even be that suspicious. He could just say he _needed_ it after being kept in solitary confinement for so long with nothing but L's constant torture for company and it wouldn’t even be a stretch. Light knew he probably didn’t deserve a second chance after what he’d done but if he got one… well, what was clear to him now was that he needed to _fix himself_ before he could even hope to fix the world. He’d check himself into a mental hospital, get better, and work to do something, somehow to fix... himself? The world? _Something._ Do something _genuinely_ altruistic. He had to be careful, of course. He didn’t want to fall into the same trap as when he adopted the role of Kira. Perhaps he shouldn’t even pursue a career in criminal justice give how his own judgment had been compromised to such a degree. 

Teaching maybe? He had always secretly enjoyed tutoring his sister in her math and Ryuk would surely appreciate the whole “apples for the teacher” bit. Light felt a pang of sorrow when he thought of Sayu and he wondered how she was getting along without him. Of course Ryuk would be there in this imagined future. His Shinigami was the only one who stuck by him—Light wasn’t about to give up on him after this. Besides, giving up the notebook really was out of the question at this point. It would be too much like running away from responsibility. In the end Ryuk did him a favor, really, in dropping the notebook. How could he have ever known what sort of monster lurked behind his eyes if he hadn’t become Kira? Truth be told without his memories… he was a ticking time bomb, just waiting for _something_ to set him off. At least now he was self-aware enough to realize he _had_ problems. That had to be an improvement, right? 

***

These thoughts—once he let them loose they cut him worse than razor wire. 

This was no way to live. He had lost track of how many days, weeks, months, (years?) he had been in here. 

It might have well been eternity. 

The floor—it was calling to him.

It would be _so easy_ to bash his brains in on the concrete. But it seemed whenever he had such thoughts Ryuk would be there to place a comforting hand on his shoulder. Light found it ironic that a God of Death would be the one to, however unknowingly, save his life. 

***

Seeing as it was getting L absolutely nowhere (and probably due to pressure from the taskforce) the irritating detective had stopped his outright interrogation of Light for the time being to try a new and different approach. Light just barely refrained from rolling his eyes as L asked if he was alright again—it was like he was trying to do the whole good-cop/bad-cop routine but insisted on playing both roles himself. It was a wonder that they even allowed this farce to continue. Surely L was aware that the number of _false confessions_ made under these exact circumstances was statistically quite high—Light was aware that most teenagers cracked only under a few _hours_ of intense police interrogation and confessed to something whether they were involved or not. Even if he _was_ to admit being Kira under these circumstances he could make a case for it being coerced under psychological duress. Of course it would be difficult given police pressure to find Kira but not impossible, especially if he found the right lawyer— _especially_ given the fact that L’s case against him was circumstantial at best. 

On occasion L would engage him in a literal mental game of chess or sometimes go. At first Light found them refreshingly stimulating but he quickly tired of them and L’s not-so-subtle taunts and barbs—abuse under the guise of “friendly rivalry.” Such a rivalry might have interested Light in the beginning but that was before things got serious between them, before L threw him in here. The problem was L seemed to be under the mistaken impression that while he was in here Light existed just for his entertainment. Apparently he didn’t realize that Ryuk had already claimed him for that position and that Light had no interest in entertaining L. It made him less than inclined to play. Light just couldn’t bring himself to take their game sessions very seriously after that—hell he even let L win a few. 

***

L frowned on the other side of the camera, oddly disappointed at Light’s half-assed and generally poor showing in their latest chess game. Was his nemesis truly losing his touch? 

*** 

After nearly two months they finally let him out… just so that his father could point a gun at his head. 

_This is it then. It’s all over for me._

The watch, a graduation gift from his father, hung heavy on his wrist—taunting him with the fact he could save himself. All he had to do was pull the knob and… he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t kill his own father. He would _never_ hurt his own family—that was the one line he vowed never to cross even at his most depraved. It was to his shame that he had even briefly considered it. But, he wasn’t going to lie—he was _scared._ His father had gone insane and he was going to die here. 

This was it then. It was already too late—he was going to be just another of Ryuk’s re-runs after all. He regretted he’d never get a chance to fix things but all things considered it wasn’t a bad life… or rather, it wasn’t the worst. He supposed he had no right to complain. Again he couldn’t bring himself to regret all he’d done—he was certain he’d saved lives as well as taking them. 

His father cocked his gun, shouting at him. 

They were going to kill him here and now—just like any of the criminals he judged. For a moment Light felt a flash of rage—in the end what made them any better than him? The entire thing was so flawed and hypocritical. It really smacked him in the face with a hard truth—no matter how many he killed… the world would _always_ be rotten. 

Light took a deep breath to calm himself and stuff down his emotions just as he had done his whole life, hiding behind an empty face. He would show no fear if he could help it—he could at least die with dignity. It was the least he could do for his family. He was scared, yes. But actually showing it? That was _unbecoming._

Light took strength in Ryuk’s presence there behind him and leaned back slightly against his Shinigami, his old friend, his _love._ Death literally was his closest friend so why fear it anymore? Given what he’d done (what he had to live with _now_ )… Perhaps it was for the best. Light closed his eyes in resignation and took what he thought for sure would be his last breath. When he opened them again he was ready—nervous, admittedly, but ready. 

***

L paused as he watched the odd change in Light’s expression. 

He appeared oddly calm—his initial shock and fear was gone and held one might even say… a _regal_ bearing. L frowned. Had Light figured out the test already? They were so careful to make it realistic.

“If that’s how you feel… _Do it._ I’m ready.” Light demanded, eyes holding nothing but absolute conviction. 

L fumbled and dropped his spoon. 

***

 _“What are you saying, Light?!”_ Misa shrieked and pleaded as Light leaned forward so that his forehead pressed against the mouth of the gun. 

Part of him wanted to apologize, for _everything,_ but a confession would bring his family no peace and only hurt them in the end. 

No, he would take his sins and secrets to the grave. 

“Do it. I’m ready. Let’s not draw this out needlessly,” Light insisted even as Misa pleaded for their lives, tried to bargain for his life, and screamed death threats... 

"You can't do this? What kind of monster are you that you'd kill your own son?!" 

“Misa…. _shut up._ Dad…. If this is truly a matter of family honor _she_ has no place here. If you’re serious about letting Misa go then you should do it now. She… shouldn’t have to see this.”

“You needn’t concern yourself, son,” his father answered him, voice steady and cold “Misa will be picked up and taken to her own execution.” 

“Father, you taught me to be aware of the feelings of others. Well Misa had to watch her family being murdered in cold-blood. I wouldn’t force her to relieve that. Please—make her leave. Then kill me. That is my only request.”

“Light…” Souichiro faltered and Misa screamed. 

“If honor dictates that you must kill me for disgracing the family name then do it. I will not be the one to bring shame to my family.”

“Nooooo! Don’t kill Light! If you want to kill someone so badly you should just kill yourself!” 

Light immediately rounded on Misa. “You _bitch._ Don’t you dare speak to my father that way!” 

_“Light!”_

Light couldn’t help but find it absurdly amusing that his father was scolding him for use of bad language when he was about to shoot him in the head. 

“How can you say that to your own girlfriend?!” Misa screeched and tried to scoot closer to him—to try and cling to him despite being handcuffed or kill him herself, Light wasn’t sure. 

“You’d just let him kill you? Why? Why are you doing this?!” 

Misa shrunk when Light allowed his full disdain for her play out over his face. 

“Do you know nothing of honor? I have shamed the family by allowing myself to believe I had something to do with this. I had a lot of time to think about things and I realized something…. I _hate_ Kira. I could never have done what Kira has done. I should never have even doubted myself. So if it should satisfy his honor… I will accept my punishment.” 

“You think a slight infraction of “dishonor” is worthy of death?” blared a sudden tinny voice from the roof of the car. 

_Ryuuzaki, I should have known you’d have a hand in this._

“Isn’t it?” Light asked in confusion. “Isn’t that why we’re here?” 

Light could practically hear L grinding his teeth even through the voice filter.

“We’re here because you are Kira.” 

“Why even bother trying to protest my innocence when you wouldn’t believe me anyway? You always wanted me to be Kira. What is the point in trying to convince you otherwise when I know there is no persuading you?” 

“Your father…”

“Has made up his mind about my alleged guilt. Otherwise why would he be pointing a gun at my head? Now are you going to get to this or not? Just kill me and get it over with.” 

For a minute absolute silence reigned within the car. As the seconds ticked by Light’s creeping fear of his rapidly approaching demise tried to chip away at his resolve. He ruthlessly crushed it down again.

“Dad, please. Just do it.”

Souichiro’s hand shook when Light met his eyes, his expression resigned and resolute. 

“What the hell are you waiting for? _KILL ME!_ ” 

Souichiro dropped the gun and broke down sobbing.

“Please… just kill me then so my father doesn’t have to.” Light addressed where he thought L’s voice was coming from in a near whisper but met Ryuk’s eyes. 

_Please. Please just get it over with. Please._

The Shinigami’s grin never faltered and he made no move to reach for his holster. 

L, too, was silent. 

“ _You… COWARDS!_ ” Light snarled at them both. 

Beside him Misa erupted into a fresh bout of wailing and his father made an inhuman noise in despair. 

“Then do you admit that you are Kira?” the voice buzzed finally, barely audible over the heavy sobbing that filled the car. 

“Damn you, Ryuuzaki,” Light spat, “Damn you to the blackest pits of Hell.” 

Light again thought of the scrap in his watch. 

_If they won’t do it... I’ll just have to do it myself._

Just four clicks. Just four clicks and a little blood on the needle. That’s all it would take. He’d have to be quick about it… but first he’d have to actually reach his watch—easier said than done given his hands were handcuffed behind his back. He would also have to be subtle in his movements or they would surely stop him. Light strained slightly against the cuffs as he tried to reach for his watch. 

Light froze when L began speaking again. Had he been found out already? 

“Congratulations…. You passed.” 

_“What?!”_

That’s when L revealed that this, _all of this,_ this whole business of making his own father shoot him in the head, or _pretend_ to shoot him in the head, was all just a test.

Light took another deep breath, his body shaking with suppressed rage. _It’s a good thing Ryuuzaki isn’t here. Forget learning L’s name. I’ll strangle him to death with my bare hands._

***

It was in a daze that they lead him back to the hotel and after that it took all of Light’s incredible self-control not to carry through with his first impulse upon seeing L—which was to plant his fist in L’s smirking face. Even knowing the consequences he was still strongly considering it. 

Especially when he learned of L’s condition that he be released from confinement. 

Was he fucking serious? 

L really wanted to keep him bound to his wrist 24-7?

“No. Just _no._ Goddammit… just put me back in my cell,” Light growled to the astonishment of everyone there.

“But… Light!”

“Son…” 

“You just got out!” 

“Are you _trying_ to turn me into a murderer? I’m sorry but after what Ryuuzaki just did all I can imagine is smashing his face in. If you force me to work in close quarters with him I’m likely to strangle him with the chain. Put me… _back..._ in my cell.” 

“Son… Are you sure?” 

Souichiro noticed that his son had regained that same resigned and resolute expression he had when asking, no _demanding_ that he kill him. 

“Yes.”

**Author's Note:**

> Ryuk's song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntnBuQAvFjA  
> Light's song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_TGwSUpLb4


End file.
